At 7:15 this morning, I found out we're expecting baby Clark #2. Wow. What a dream. What a blessing. It's a funny thing, trying to get pregnant. We've been "trying" for some months now. But for a while, it was proving to be harder than our first oopsie girl. And that was both a little surprising and disappointing.
After I had Arden a sweet friend who has been a mom for a very long time warned me, "Start trying to get pregnant earlier than you want to the second time. It took us a while to conceive our second daughter." Although I naively assumed she was wrong about us, it stuck with me. As the months went by and I saw more and more pregnancy announcements on Instagram, I felt this odd mixture of hope that I could be next and fear that I wouldn't be. I started to get this sense that something was off or wrong. I needed to drink more water or take more spin classes or remember my vitamins more consistently. And then, of course, Arden is at the age where people were starting to ask.
When is the next baby coming?!
So I built up a wall and pretended we weren't even trying because that was easier than telling the truth and reporting back with disappointing news every month. I could barely give Drew the news of the arrival of another period without getting sad, much less anyone else. So I even convinced myself that we weren't "really" trying.
Once we REALLY start trying, we're going to get pregnant right away. Right now we're just seeing what happens.
But then Drew and I were out and about on a Saturday and I couldn't stop running to the bathroom—except I wasn't necessarily drinking more liquids than I normally do. That was my very first pregnancy symptom with Arden, so I was officially suspicious and made Drew take me to CVS to buy a test. The CVS was fairly busy given it was a Baylor football Saturday, so I just snagged the first Clear Blue test box that my eyes landed on, checked out, and beat a path to the door before I ran into someone I knew while carrying a pregnancy test.
When we got home I ripped open the box, snagged a test out of the package and ran to the bathroom without really giving the box a once over. I thought to myself, This ain't my first rodeo. Once I took it out of its wrapper, I realized I didn't get my usual pack of digital tests, like I prefer, but instead I accidentally grabbed a combo pack of one digital test and one analog test. (Digital tests simply flash the words "pregnant" or "not pregnant" rather than you having to decipher the lines on an analog test. Some people prefer analog because their readings aren't so cut and dry—this case being a prime example.)
I took it, waited, and up popped a very clear "negative" sign...except then I noticed another faint vertical line. Wait, was it a plus sign?! The more I looked, the more I saw the phantom plus sign. Drew took a look at it to see what I was making such a fuss about, and it was so faint that he thought it was just the existence of a plus sign that I was seeing. Basically, "You're looking so close that you're seeing the line that would fill in blue if you were pregnant." I'd never taken an analog test before, so I blindly assumed he was probably right. To confirm, I threw back some water and took the second digital test in the pack just to be sure. We were on our way out the door for wine night and dinner with friends, so if I was pregnant I obviously wanted to avoid drinks. The digital test flashed the words "not pregnant" clear as day, so that was that, and we went on our merry way.
Look closely in that first box...you see what I see?! ^
Of course, that weird test reading was all I could think about all night. After wine night I stayed up late reading forums of women who had similar readings as mine. Some turned out to be pregnant, some didn't. The next day was Drew's family Thanksgiving in Dallas, so we spent the day there. On the way home, we stopped at Target and I grabbed four more digital tests.
I went right home and took one—it read "not pregnant" simple as that. So I went to bed a little sad, but with hope that it was still really early for an at-home test to be able to detect a pregnancy. Plus, my app was telling me I was due to start my period the next day (today), so I knew I could take another test with more accurate results in the morning. (For those new to the pregnancy world, you're supposed to take a test the day you miss your period for more accurate results. Definitely not all these days before your missed period, like I was trying to do.) I prayed that in the morning my test would be positive. That, if it was His will, we would have a little sister or brother for Arden. I also gave myself a pep talk about how I was ready to be pregnant again. I acknowledged that last time was really hard, and if we were blessed with another pregnancy, this time could possibly be hard, too. Maybe even harder. But that was all okay—I knew I was ready for round two.
This morning I walked right into the bathroom, took my test, and let it sit on the counter while I started my hair. It takes about three minutes for the results to come through, and I actually forgot about it momentarily. When I glanced over at it a few minutes later, there it was.
Drew was still asleep, but if there was one thing I was sure of in that moment—it was time for him to get up. I ran into our room and tossed the test on Drew's pillow. I know, kinda gross, but I was in shock. I flipped on the lamp and said "Read it! It's positive!" Even half asleep, he knew what I was telling him. He smiled big and said "Babe, we're gonna have another baby?!" He's been over the moon ever since.
I didn't waste any time re-downloading my baby apps and switching my tracker app over to pregnancy mode. Haha.
In what I suspect to be week four of this pregnancy, this little babe is just the size of a poppy seed and, if my calculations are correct, is due at the tail end of July.
I may be getting ahead of myself entirely given it's so early, but I even ordered Arden a big sister shirt this morning. Christmas is coming and I know we'll want a fun way to tell the families over the holiday.
I haven't quite called the doctor yet. It still feels a little surreal. I'm waiting for it all to kick in...and if I remember correctly, it won't be much longer until I'm sleeping 14 hours every night and have my head in the nearest toilet for the foreseeable future. The first trimester is no joke.
But I just can't make myself care about those hard things today. I feel...blessed is the word that comes to mind over and over again. I feel favor. I feel overwhelmingly thankful. I can't believe that I accidentally took an analog test that planted a seed of excitement and hope. I can't believe I took two more negative tests after that. And I can't believe the fourth test was actually positive.
A promise fulfilled. Thank you Lord for this gift. You are a good, good Father.
Happy Thanksgiving, friends.
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